It’s mad to think that the same venue that hosts slides and ballpits also has someone in a caravan wagging a double ended dildo in your face. Whilst you join me in wondering how on earth they justified that on the expenses, I will tell you about Xtreme Scream Park located at Twinlakes In Melton Mowbray.
Xtreme Scream is an annual attraction that swaps the wholesome soft play and fluffy bunnies for demented women on leads and human eating piggies. Yeah, it’s a bit of a difference from Twinlakes usual offerings. This year there are 7 scare attractions, 2 rides and street entertainment. So is it worth the money and should Melton Mowbray’s tourism boards be marketing Melton as a mecca for scares?
The Attractions
As I mentioned at the start, there are 7 attractions at Xtreme Scream Park this year ranging from your typical Halloween tropes to a nightclub. The attention to detail across all 7 attractions is amazing and returning guests are bound to find a couple of things that they didn’t notice the last time round.
Of course, you could have the best venue in the world with the biggest potential but if recent events have taught me anything it’s that a venue is only as good as the people who run it. If they are incompetent, that venue is buggered. Fortunately (or unfortunately if you didn’t want to get too scared on the night), the actors are more than competent. They are bloody brilliant. Whether it was your standard jumpscare, a clever little bit of adlib based on an observation or helping to drive the story of that attraction further, I cannot say there was a single dud across all 7 attractions and the street performances.
Warning the next part of the review features some mild spoilers (the plot, my thoughts and the dildo) for the 7 attractions. If you don’t want to be spolit in anyway, please manically scroll to the next section or return to the post after your visit.
The Witches Of Hard Luck Wood
This is the nearest attraction to the entrance of Xtreme Scream and the concept is the closest to a “traditional” Halloween tale. A group of suspected Witches have taken revenge on being falsely accused on the children who’s ancestors allowed it to happen. As long as you’re OK with the dark/loss of sight, you’ll find this to be a great one to start off with if you’re cautious. Just be prepared to be separated from your group at points because I did end up losing Lee (this becomes a common theme).
Pie Factory
An Xtreme Scream staple and for good reason. The concept is a pork pie factory but the roles are reversed. That’s right, the piggies want to make you bacon. This one is great if you’re a lover of pie related puns and I was giggling at many of them throughout the tour. The ending however is the scariest of the lot so bare this in mind when packing undergarments and selecting your footwear.
Ash Hell Penitentiary
If you want an attraction that entertains you from the queue up to the end, this is the one. Themed around a prison for cannibals, this is always the one that scares me the most. There’s a couple of unique twists especially in the cells which are super cool. Just mind out if you have arachnophobia because one of the prisoners has a special pet.
The Village
I’m going to take the warm fuzzy feeling I get everything I go to the Village out of the way now (I did a season in there back in 2019). The Village is another interesting concept that plays with the idea of scarecrows ruling a sleep Village and the carnage that came with it. This is one of the attractions that is amazing when it comes to having different areas that manage to differentiate themselves from each specific part but come together to bring the whole story to life. Oh and if you see someone who looks like Chewy, one of my lovely follower folk has informed me that it’s actually a gorilla.
Blutlust
New for the 2024 season, Blutlust is just fun. It’ll make you scream/swear (if you swear apologise to the actors please) at times but it’s also going to make you laugh/vibe just as much. This one was my joint favourite and very much up to par with the other older attractions.
Themed to 1990s German dance havens, this attraction kicks off your night at the kebab house. I know, controversial but trust me, it’s a great start to the attraction and actually my favourite bit.
Like the Witches please note that you will be separated at some point (I ended up doing about 3/4s of it alone because Lee was nowhere to be seen).
Circus Vs Circused
This is the creepy clown one. It also however seems to be very playful to the point that I was actually slightly disappointed that there wasn’t a slide involved. Maybe that’s one for next year. I thought the ringmaster was brilliantly acted and I’m not gonna lie, his pet was one of the scariest things of the night. The outside part of this ride is also really cool and there’s brilliant attention to detail.
Uncle Enos’s Open Acres
If the Village is a childhood friend, Uncle Enos is my horny lover who seduced me in a cornfield. This, in case the last sentence didn’t make it clear, is the dildo attraction. That’s not the primary reason the reason it’s also my joint favourite with Blutlust, but it is a contributing factor because I am really just a child in a 30 year old woman’s body. Don’t panic, they wag it, not ram it, it’s not that kind of event. Still makes me wonder how on god’s green earth the Xtreme Scream team justifed it to their accountant.
Outside of the sexual caravan, the moonshine bit is awesome and the ending also made me walk a little bit faster towards the exit. It’s the right balance of lighthearted humour and scares.
The non-attraction stuff
As I have already mentioned, your ticket not only comes with the 7 attractions I have already discussed but also two rides, street entertainment and circus performances. Annoyingly, I didn’t actually catch any of the circus performances but I can give my thoughts on the street entertainment and rides.
The two rides open at Xtreme Scream are Jester’s Revenge and Excalibar. Jester’s Revenge is a teacups style ride and thus you can make it as mild or as wild as you wish. Not gonna lie after a round with Lee’s spinning I did nearly trip into a hedge. I don’t think the ride operator’s pre-ride spinning helped though.
Excalibur is what is described as a Starflyer. For those of you who don’t watch coaster enthusiasts as background noise, this is basically a tower where everyone is sat on a chairswing that isn’t allowed to be swung. If you are going to try it to be ”edgy”, don’t the operators are on it like a car bonnet. It’s surprisingly nippy both in speed and coldness. You laugh but when your spinning around on a October’s evening at 50ft in the air, your hands get a little bit chilly. Fortunately, there is a fire pit less than a 2 minute walk away.
The street entertainment roams across the park throughtout the evening. What you come across with vary on timing and positioning but I cam across a very friendly nurse, a chatty clown and a vicar who decided to take his two creepy girls out for a walk. Apparently, you can’t pet them, I asked him nicely and got sprayed with holy water. We did pray together later on though so maybe we’re both redeemed for our sins.
I highly advise if you’re able to make time to check out the additional entertainment, please do. Baring you arrive at opening and stay till close, you should be able to fit it in. Especially given both rides were walk ons throughout the night.
My final thoughts
I have yet to attend an Xtreme Scream event that fell short of expectations, and this year is no exception. Even my “least favorite” attractions were still exceptional, with outstanding performances from the actors. I paid just over £36 per person for my standard ticket (please note that pricing varies depending on the date, with some dates potentially exceeding the £40+ range) and I certainly got my money’s worth. Fastrack tickets are available at an additional cost, and whether I recommend them depends on the night. On evenings expected to reach maximum capacity, such as Halloween or the weekend prior, it might be worth considering. However, yesterday I found little need for it, as the longest wait was for the Witches attraction at about 15 minutes, thanks to the staff efficiently directing visitors to less crowded attractions to help balance the queues.
If you are someone who is easily scared, you’ll be alright, but try not to scream excessively. I was behind two guests at Blutlust who took turns pushing each other to the front, making them prime targets for the actors. Meanwhile, I was happily engaged in a conversation about whether they were enjoying their night.
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